I wanted to share with you the learning from my recent medical emergency. Just to say, all is well. In fact, I have not felt better, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You will see why as I share. And the reason to share? Well, it crystallises my own learning and it may offer some insight for your own journey of personal growth and self-mastery. At the very least, it might be a good read.
Are you regularly set back from achieving your goals? Do you make choices that move you away from what feels right to you, good to you, fulfilling to you? Can you ask for help when you feel you need it, want it? What are the costs to you for living this way? Your well-being, freedom, isolation, fulfilment, pain, suffering, physical and mental health? And what are you tolerating while you live this way? Would you like it to be different?
The purpose of coaching is defined by ICF (International Coaching Federation) as “partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximise their personal and professional potential.”
For me this means raising clients’ awareness so that they see the truth of their potential as well as the truth of the ways in which they may limit themselves from living that potential.
This is true for all my clients. One in particular that illustrates this well is Judith who, from session one, had spoken about herself as one who wished to help others. Even though she didn’t call it this, she identified with the Mother archetype so strongly- nurturing, supporting, togetherness, inspiring, teaching, wisdom, compassion, mentoring and nourishing towards others. This is what she wanted to do at the very core of her being.
She had tried this role in many areas of her life previously. But had been knocked back every time. Consequently, she shrank inward and settled for a less fulfilled version for herself.
Coaching brought this truth to the fore. She wanted life to be different and found it hard to ask for help and support. She needed space, quiet and time to self-resource and so she had to ask for that space, quiet and time. And this was something she found hard to ask for.
Not asking for it meant that she became angry and frustrated because she did not feel like she had the capacity to be that nurturing Mother archetype she wanted to embody.
It would be all too easy for her to see that anger and frustration from a place of negativity and self-judgement. By taking responsibility for how she chose to view this situation, she could choose to see it through the lens of love and self-appreciation/ gratitude or negativity and self-judgement. She was free to choose.
She noticed that if she chose one path, she felt bad about herself and she was caught up in anger, frustration and self-recrimination. This led her to play small and be dominated by fear. When she chose the alternative, she showed up with more confidence, power, love, calm and connection. And she gave the encouragement, inspiration and role-modelling she wished to give, hoped to give.
So, she practised choosing. And found that when she was choosing love and gratitude for herself, she was showing up as the nurturing woman she wanted to be. At home and at work, she was offering guidance and support from her strength and confidence and it came very naturally.
By seeing her truth and acknowledging how she was limiting herself, with compassion, she was able to lovingly give herself choice and freedom over how she was being at any given moment in her life. Suddenly, at work she had shifted from an angry colleague to one who engaged with and wanted to be involved in the improvement of what happened at work. She found herself taking the initiative and seeking support from other colleagues to help her fulfil her desired roles.
She had moved from disempowered and struggling to inspired and leading. Seeing the truth with love and compassion had given her freedom. These three are the foundations of any spiritual practice, regardless of religion, tradition, culture, place or time. Therefore, coaching and, in particular, listening, are spiritual acts for me. They open the doors for people to become their full selves. With that inner guiding light, a person can guide themselves towards greater and greater freedom. As well as role-model and inspire others to do the same.
What are you doing to live your full potential? Are you allowing your self to take the options that are disempowering and unfulfilling? What would life look like is you made choices that reinforced your love for life and passion in your work? Are you willing to look at the truth of your situation and make choices that move you towards that potential? What would life be like if you carried on as you are for the next ten years? And how would it be different if, for the next decade, you made choices that aligned with your truth? I’d love to know your thoughts. And if you would like any support with exploring your truth and how to live it more fully, get in touch and we can discuss how to make that happen.
Like this post? Then please pass it on to anyone you know who would benefit from it.
The Inner Game of Confidence is a funny thing. Most people would say they lack confidence. Others might say they need more confidence. These are the self-deprecating people who feel safer in the shadows and not drawing attention to themselves. They are quiet and do not want to be the centre of attention.
And then there are those who would say that they are confident to the world, while deep down they also feel like they lack confidence or need more of it. The world often sees them as confident or even arrogant. They have learned to be loud, larger than life and out-going because they have been taught that portrays a confident air. Yet inside they might be struggling with confidence just as much as the quiet, self-deprecating people. These people do want to be the centre of attention and will talk over others to get control and be seen.
Rarely will you hear a confident person say they are confident. Usually, they are getting on with it, making their way in the world and making people feel great in their presence. They bring about trust and confidence in others.
Historically, I have been in all three places. We all are at different times. It can even change many times throughout the day!!!! Being quiet in social situations or work meetings so that I don’t contribute; brash and loud when I feel I have to be more assertive than I feel; or the centred confidence of speaking and acting in my power with calm, presence and ease.
Authentic confidence comes from within- an inner sense that is genuinely YOU!!!
When your confidence shines through, you own your greatness. There are no self-messages telling you that you are not good enough. Nor are you plagued with self-doubt or feeling overwhelmed with stress. In that relaxed and confident state, you are using your talents, skills and qualities in service of others…………. and it feels great!!!!! It’s like you know you are here to do this thing you are doing, and you are living it, right now in this moment. I wrote a blog about this called The Little Signs of Greatness.
Many years ago, on the way to a martial arts seminar, 2 of the three vehicles we were travelling in broke down. Throughout the experience, I was calm, confident and assured that we would still get to the seminar and be able to return home the same day. In amongst other people’s frustration, doubt and fear, I held the group together. We all attended a remarkable seminar and made the 300-mile return trip home in good spirits. I did not allow the fear, doubt and anxiety to stem the flow of my own confidence, and so I was able to resolve every challenge, conflict and obstacle. I felt alive, empowered and confident. And my leadership qualities flowed naturally from me as a result.
This is an example of the Inner Game of Confidence playing out. In the face of adversity, keeping an eye on the goal and managing my stress and anxiety, I found the inner resilience to creatively resolve the problems we faced. From this confident state, I had access to all the answers I needed. And when we did not have the solution to hand, we created a solution that worked for the benefit of all. And I say “we” because my confidence had a positive and stabilising effect on the others, and we co-created the solutions together.
By contrast, when I cannot manage the fear and anxiety, I am less resourced and resilient and so I feel less confident. As part of my coaching training, we would sometimes practice coaching sessions in front of the class and the teachers. On the days when my confidence was low, I would never volunteer to do these coaching demonstrations. When I was a little more confident, I might volunteer- if I couldn’t self-manage well, the coaching was poor, but when I could manage myself more effectively, the fear and doubt disappeared, my confidence grew, and the coaching went well. And when I was confident, I always volunteered, and the coaching was great- as long as I continued to self-manage the fear, doubt and anxiety if I felt it crop up.
In martial arts, you are training to deal with an inherently stressful situation- someone trying to harm you. You learn the technical skills of self-defence. This I call the outer game. But there is a second track called the inner game, which is all about your innate confidence. Without that, you cannot perform the technical skills of self-defence. The stress, anxiety and fear will tighten you up physically and mentally. You won’t remember what to do. This is why the inner game is SO important.
The inner game works like this:
So, let’s take each one in turn:
Yes, you’ve got to know your stuff. But what skills and knowledge do you need for the situation? A small hand of basic martial arts techniques is all you need to defend yourself, so get to know the basics and work on the inner game so that you can do them with confidence and under pressure. Public speaking? Know your material and learn the skills of delivering to a crowd and all the while, working on the inner game of confidence. Winging it in a meeting? Know your onions and learn the art of spontaneous, creative improvisation. You get the idea…… you want to know enough and learn the art of what you are doing as well as cultivate your confidence from the inside out
It is only possible to be confident if you stand in your power. Feet shoulder width a part, arms down by your sides, tongue and belly relaxed, looking straight ahead and focusing forward, breathe deep. Standing this way brings out the qualities of being ready, engaged, connected, interactive, light, adaptable, aware, focused. Practice it now. Here’s a video for you to work with:
Martial arts teach you to stand this way for stability, strength and readiness for combat. When public speaking, stand tall and take up the space of the stage. Look at the audience. Breathe to them so that your voice carries and commands authority.
Sounds obvious I know. But, under pressure, so many people hold their breath or breathe from the upper chest, which promotes anxiety. When you stand confident, it promotes belly breathing. This encourages calm, deep, slow breathing which increases your confidence. It also gives you plenty of air from which to speak with confidence, authority and carries your voice.
Often, focusing on you alone makes you less confident. It becomes all about you and your fear, anxiety and doubt. Once you’re standing confident and breathing calmly, sense your inner strength that runs up and down your spine and is grounded at your centre (a couple of inches below your belly button which the Japanese call the Hara and the Chinese the lower Dan T’ien). Now, project forward. As far as you can go, like your blowing up a large balloon. Fill the space as much as you can. A more advanced alternative is to project in all directions, as if you are standing in the centre of the balloon and make that as big as possible. For some reason, this gets rid of the overwhelming nervous feeling I get when speaking in public for example.
It has the advantage of connecting you with your audience. Whether its an audience of one or a hundred, or a thousand, this projection has the impact of creating empathy, connection and trust that builds confidence in both directions.
Practice and make it fun! I don’t know about you, but I enjoy practising things if they are fun. Make practice, to let your inner confidence flow, a game. Have some fun with friends and family standing in your power. Try it with your kids and see their confidence grow. Tell stories, share hopes and dreams, recount your day while standing (or sitting) in your power. What difference does it make? Are you more articulate, more sincere? Do you listen better? Practice with work colleagues by the water cooler or when you give or receive feedback. Are you more focused on the other person?
Practice breathing while you’re sitting in traffic, or on hold, or waiting for the computer to boot up. For some, belly breathing is more challenging because you are out of practice. Here is a good video for building that skill.
I’ll be running a workshop on February 6th, 2020, covering these topics and more in a practical, interactive and experiential way. We’ll be looking at how cultivating the inner game allows you to be more confident- authentically, powerfully and in a truly embodied way. You’ll find more information here.
How confident do you feel? What knocks your confidence? How do you get it back? How did the tips in this blog change things for you? What other methods work for you? I’d love to hear your experiences and if I can help in any way, please get in touch.
I was inspired to write this blog because of a post on LinkedIn by Anne Archer. She referred to listening as a superpower. As a coach and a Samaritans volunteer, I would definitely say that listening is a superpower. However, this skill that I have cultivated over many years is also an example of patterns and preferences that can be incredibly useful and powerful. They can also hold us back when used in situations when other actions might be more appropriate.
I have developed a skill in listening because I was so painfully shy, I preferred shrinking into the shadows and giving other people the limelight. I would ask them questions and deflect the attention away from me. As soon as they asked me anything, I would answer briefly, followed by another question. I didn’t want to be seen or have the focus on me, so I learned to listen and ask questions. This pattern has led to me playing small and not sharing my experience and wisdom with others. It has also allowed me to give time and space to people to speak about challenging life circumstances, discover insights about themselves, reflect on choices and actions they have taken and share intimately their hopes, fears and doubts. So you see, patterns and preferences are neither good nor bad. It depends when and how you use them and whether they serve you and others in the most appropriate and empowering way.
Awareness of patterns and preferences gives you freedom and choice
Listening is just one example of my patterns and preferences. I am also prone to worry and anxiety, saying “sorry”, even when it isn’t necessary, not resting and working long hours and eating when I am bored or for comfort. I do these things unconsciously most of the time. They are not bad in themselves. But when done unconsciously, we begin to lose choice, freedom and power within our lives.
Sometimes patterns and preferences have a positive impact. But the same lack of choice and control still applies. I am also prone to generosity, giving my time freely, I love to help others and cooking healthy meals. And of course, I love to listen. If you want to live a life of meaning and purpose, I think it is important to be conscious of your patterns and preferences so that you can be at choice. To live on autopilot or defaulting to your habits may be convenient, but it can lead to disempowerment and take you away from your purpose and power in life.
Patterns and preferences are a compassionate way of looking at your habits. No judgement about whether they are wrong or right, good or bad. It is about observation and awareness that ultimately leads to choice. It isn’t always the best thing to listen. Sometimes speaking out is important.
By definition, patterns and preferences are so engrained in your mind and body, you often do not realise you are doing them. Your neurobiology lends itself to creating patterns and preferences so save on time and energy (you can find a past blog I wrote about this here. Recall your first few days at a new job. They are tiring and time consuming, learning new tasks and processes. Or learning to drive. Using all those controls and manoeuvring through traffic take all your attention. And then one day, those new activities are easy to do and you give them far less thought and energy. Your body is excellent at making regular activities economical, moving those processes into your subconscious so that they happen automatically. The challenge is they are often hard to notice as they happen below your conscious awareness.
Also, you may not connect your patterns and preferences to specific outcomes and therefore miss the impact you have on the people and the world around you. Getting regular feedback from friends, family and colleagues can be a useful tool. Make sure you can trust them to be truthful and kind with their reflections, otherwise it can become a painful experience that leads to greater resistance to change.
Taking up new activities is a brilliant way to notice patterns and preferences. Or doing the same thing in a different way. Both will highlight what feels familiar to you mentally, physically and emotionally. As I mentioned in a recent blog, I have taken up Tango. What I require from my body is completely different to martial arts- Tango asks for freedom in the chest and shoulders while martial arts requires a more solid and rigid centre.
My mind set is totally different too- one of relationship, leading, following and passion in Tango rather than one of domination and control which martial arts can be prone to. The learning environment also exposes patterns- group classes give you a place to hide and be less precise and disciplined with technique, while private lessons offer greater feedback and focus. Conversely, group lessons give you a chance to dance with many people, while private lessons don’t offer that diversity.
No one way is right or wrong. I mention them to highlight patterns and preferences. What do you prefer? What feels familiar? Think of something that you do regularly. Brushing your teeth? Dressing? Communicating with your partner, children, work peers, your boss, the checkout person at the supermarket? Are you quiet at parties or the life and the soul? How do you do it? Could you do it differently? What would it be like to do it differently? How does it feel to change it? What does it tell you about your patterns and preferences? How might the outcome be different if you did it differently?
The more aware you become, the more freedom you have to choose your actions and how you take action. Who are you being when you speak to people? And how are you being when you are doing it? Mind and body are one integrated whole. Mind set and how you are you in your body are intimately connected. You can use mind and body as entry points to developing that awareness. And with that awareness comes freedom and choice.
What are your patterns and preferences? What could you do differently? Once you notice them, how do your patterns and preferences serve you? How do they not serve you? Do you want to make changes as a consequence? What would those changes be? I’d love to hear about your experiments and discoveries. Please post them in the comments box or if you prefer, e-mail me at david@potentialitycoaching.co.uk and we can explore your findings together.
I was recently asked to run a workshop for The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH) on resilience. A dictionary definition of resilience is “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”. The concern was that employees have tools and resources that can make them more resilient.
Do you view brushes with failure as negative? When you fail, do you respond with self- ridicule and judgement? If you get things wrong does your inner saboteur use it as ammunition to keep you limited, safe and inside your comfort zone?
Failure is an inevitable part of life. Making mistakes offers valuable lessons on the road to success and excellence. Your learning and experience from failure is ultimately determined by your mindset around failure. How do you hold failure? Is it weighty, full of high risk and dire consequences? Or do you hold it lightly, with curiosity and an opportunity to learn, experience, understand and adapt?
This point was brought home to me recently when I visited a local museum. There was a display, showing how locks work and how boats on rivers and canals navigate ascents and descents. I was trying to work out how the various buttons and handles worked the display so the model boat could move from one end of the display to the other. Every wrong button I pressed or handle I moved was met by a correction from the volunteer. Even though I said I wanted to work it out myself and use my mistakes as stepping stones to deeper understanding, the volunteer desperately tried to save me from error.
What was interesting was I felt the empowerment to learn from exploration drain away with every comment from the volunteer. I know it was meant kindly and to be supportive. Yet my experience was the opposite. It undermined my confidence.
I think this volunteer’s perspective is a common relationship we have with failure. As if it is bad. As if we are wrong to get it wrong. If we chastised our children for falling when they were learning to walk, we would all still be crawling. Yet, every time little Johnnie falls over we encourage and champion him, in the belief he can do it. When little Suzie takes a tumble we enthusiastically suggest she try again, knowing full well she will succeed in time.
There seems to come a time when that unconditional support evaporates, encouragement gives way to ridicule and cheerleading is replaced by judgement. Very quickly we develop a perception of failure that is self- defeating. It justifies our unworthiness, lack of ability and missing resourcefulness. Please remember:
You are able, worthy and resourceful.
Often, we need encouragement to tap into those qualities. Failure is one of those spaces in human experience in which we can be educated to view it as a sign of defeat or a chance for opportunity.
What if we could celebrate failure? Rather than see our lack of knowledge or understanding as a condemnation and a road block to our learning. Perhaps we can develop a more empowering mindset? What if failure was met with an eagerness to delve deeper, create new solutions, explore different perspectives, investigate other paths?
What learning becomes available when you fail? The results tell you everything. 2017 saw me launch Mindful Movement workshops. They were met by my captive audience with enthusiasm and deep learning. I expected 2018 to continue that way. In reality, engagement has been poor so far. Why? After consulting enough people with experience, it has become clear marketing is the main issue. As a result, I have been on marketing workshops. Some improvement but still not great. The next step has been audience focus. Better results again. Now it is language. What words am I using in my marketing literature? Each step gets me closer. Every failure points to the next solution.
On a personal note I have been challenged with communication with my son. I have always reached out to him but he has never initiated contact. At 20 years old I was hoping for a more balanced relationship. I tried a few things- silence, texts, phone calls- none of it worked. I was seeing the endless failures as a sign there was no road through and it was upsetting to contemplate that I would have no two- way relationship with him. Instead, I had it out with him face to face, kindly, openly, respectfully. He responded beautifully to his great credit. It’s early days and so far, we are enjoying a much more balanced and open communication.
I have a tendency to view failure as an end of the road. Perhaps you do the same? It is no such thing unless you choose to put the road blocks there. It is hard sometimes to find the way through, the next step, another option. Creativity, openness, receptivity to advice and suggestions from others and a desire to find your way through are essential I believe. It is a challenge in itself to maintain these mindsets when you hold failure as a negative force. Held as a positive force, it acts as inspiration for creativity, receptivity and desire.
Failure is an inevitable part of the life coaching process. Each session is an open space for exploration, taking risks and deep learning. And sometimes when action steps are not achieved, the next coaching session is ripe ground for getting curious about what the obstacles to taking action were. Is it something about realistic expectations? Does the client have a relationship with that action that limits them? Are they holding a disempowering perspective? At no point is their judgement. There is only the opportunity for more learning and growth. Seeing failure as the route to success I think is a healthy view point. That you succeed is a wonderful by- product. Failure is the fertile ground of learning, growth and understanding.
As a wonderful teacher told me years ago, the rose grows strong and beautiful when you put lots of manure and water on it. Failure and the expansion out of your comfort zone that comes with failure held in a positive light is the manure you flourish in. All the manure and water can do is bring forth what is already there. Failure can entice you to dig deeper into yourself in any given area of your life. In fact, it is the manure your whole life flourishes in: health, business/ career, relationships, finances, education, contribution and any other segments of your Wheel of Life.
As a result, let’s celebrate failure- the barometer that points to your need to learn, expand, grow and ultimately flourish.
Do you see failure as a positive or a negative? How do you hold failure? Is it a learning tool or a road block? How does seeing failure as a positive change outcomes for you? Where is the learning in your failure? Failure is such a common part of our lives if we wish to grow and move our lives forward. The alternative is stagnation and overwhelming fear to try. How can celebrating failure change that mind set for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts, experience and realisations. Please share them in the comments box below, on social media or e- mail me at david@potentialitycoaching.co.uk. I look forward to hearing from you.
If you know someone who is struggling with failure, why not send them the link to this blog or share and retweet the posts? It could be just what they need to see failure as something to celebrate.
At The Embodiment Conference, listen to David talk about archetypes and an embodied system for inner leadership and self-empowerment.