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If you are interested in personal growth, be that for business or career development, or simply to be more content and fulfilled in life, you’ll understand the significance of remaining positive.

One of the key factors contributing towards your growing positivity is being discerning about who you spend your time with.  As one of my great spiritual teachers told me, “You are who you sit with”.  Jim Rohn said it this way, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”.

Do you find yourself putting off those jobs you do not want to do?  Does fear get in the way of doing those important jobs that would forward your career, grow your business or improve your relationships?  When fear and self-doubt rear their heads during these challenging times, what are you doing to manage the situation?  Stick your head in the sand?  Procrastinate?  Take action in fear, doubt and worry?

These are challenges I face daily.  And you do too, I imagine.  When I speak to clients, they have similar issues.  And I find myself wondering, “Is there a better way?”  When we are dominated by fear, doubt and worry, we live the resulting frustration and paralysis.  And while that fear is in the driver’s seat, in control of your life, that life is not going to change in a positive and significant way.

If we can learn to get that negativity out of the driver’s seat and replace it with positive, life-affirming thoughts, we will take confident and empowering action and change the landscape of our lives towards something more pleasing, pleasurable, fulfilling and meaningful.

As I contemplate the question, “Is there a better way?”, here are some thoughts that come to mind:

  1. Practice thinking feel-good thoughts.

If you are in the habit of thinking negative thoughts, you’ll think them more and more.  Have you noticed that when you wake up in the middle of the night and you start thinking negative thoughts, that those negative thoughts get stronger and faster?  Before you know it, a thought about an up-coming bill that needs paying turns into declaring bankruptcy and losing your house.  Most of those fear-based thoughts are just that- fear.  Your mind will work with that and create more of it, the more you practice.

Instead, practice thinking positive thoughts.  When you do, you’ll notice that you will think more positively, more of the time.  To start, it may well be a challenge, as you are re-wiring your mind and body to think differently.  You will feel the immediate benefit and it will take time for your biology to catch up for it to become a consistent habit.  So, practice, perseverance and patience are important.  These old patterns of thought are well-engrained.  Be purposeful and conscious about setting aside time through the day to practice positive thoughts.

The Power of Gratitude

Take time to think about how grateful and appreciative you are about anything in your life that you genuinely feel gratitude for: a tree in your garden or at the park; the sunset out your kitchen window or on the drive home; a dog gleefully running out on its walk with its owner; a kind gesture or comment; feeling good during or after a workout; pleasurable-feeling clothes; nice-tasting food.  Allow yourself to feel the feeling.  So often I have found myself thinking that this is a pleasurable experience rather than feeling the sensations of pleasure as a result of the experience. It’s a powerful distinction that has you directly connect to something rather than be removed and distant from it.

Don’t try to make yourself feel grateful for something you are not grateful for.  Make it genuine, authentic and legitimate.  Perhaps you’ll notice that feel-good feeling in your chest or you’ll break out in a smile.  Or maybe you’ll laugh or get a buzz of excitement through your body.  This is your body resonating with the positive thoughts you are consciously choosing to have.  It is a purposeful process, that changes your biology to create feel-good chemicals.  Over time this has a profoundly positive effect on your well-being.  In the moment, you feel great, or content, or elated, or happy or satisfied.

You can do this at the beginning of the day, in anticipation for the day ahead.  Or, you can do it at the end of the day and think back at what the day brought, for which you are grateful.  Either way you’re practising feel-good thoughts.  Another method is to take a moment before or after a meal, meeting, journey or some such part of your day and take time to be appreciative of it.  This is similar to Abraham Hicks’ Segment Intending (really good YouTube video here) that can so powerfully influence how you move through the world.  Whichever method you use, you are taking a moment to pause and decide to be grateful and appreciative for the moments ahead.

  1. Do not practice negative thoughts.

Sometimes, negative or anxious thoughts are so powerful, you cannot think yourself out of them.  Like waking up in the middle of the night, if those thoughts get too negative and too fast, you are better off doing something completely different to distract yourself.  Perhaps you need to make some prospecting calls and you are working yourself up into tizz about it or;  you have a report to finish and your mind is too preoccupied with worry or; you’re in the middle of a disagreement with your partner or kids and you are too angry to think straight.

Take a break.  Go for a walk.  Sleep on it.  Go for a workout.  Create some distance and distract yourself from your emotional reaction which is not serving you well in this situation.  Give your biology a chance to get back to balance and then try to re-assert a positive mindset about it (as we discussed above).

Even if it feels like you’ve got to make that call, have that meeting or complete that conversation, it’s probably going to do more harm than good if you do so when you are anxious, worried, stressed or angry.  Do something to take your mind off it and come back to it later with a fresh perspective.  Have you noticed how different you feel about a situation once you have some distance from it?  I’m not saying don’t do that thing.  I’m suggesting you do all you can to be in the best head space when you do it.

Turning the doubt and fear around

And some days you may find that you have climbed out of bed on the wrong side and nothing you do is going to shift that negative or abrasive mood.  Let it go.  Don’t make the calls, avoid having those important conversations and don’t make any important decisions about your business or life if you can avoid it.  You may feel you are being lazy or should have your sh*t together.  The reality is, some days we are not at our best and tomorrow, or the day after, will be a better day.  As the saying goes, to build a reputation takes years, to ruin it takes seconds.  Give yourself a break and have some compassion.

At any time you notice you are having negative thoughts, gently changing your tack can move your thoughts towards something more positive.  For example, I wanted to make a prospecting call to a long-standing client.  On that day, I was making up that he was busy, that he wouldn’t want to talk to me, that I would not be able to speak with confidence and in a professional manner.

So, I turned it around.  I went for a walk and had a conversation with myself.  “He’s always been friendly before.  If he’s busy he won’t pick up so don’t worry about that.  We enjoy each other’s company.  I’m offering a great service, my service has been of benefit before.  I know he is keen to take me on for further business, I am always professional and courteous when I feel confident and so on.”  By the time I got back from the walk, I was feeling far more positive to make the call.  I felt nervous as I dialled which faded away as we began to chat and talk business.

  1. If you can’t do it, get someone else to do it

If you don’t want to do something, delegate it to someone else.  Or, if someone is doing a task they love, they will do a much better job than you, if you dislike doing it.  Rather than make prospecting calls, which I dislike doing and frankly find distressing (you might have guessed from my example above!!!!), I hire a professional to do it for me.  I also hire a copy writer and a graphic designer.  They’re better at it than I am and will do it in a fraction of the time.  It stops me being a block to my business’ growth.

If you have a gap in your knowledge about something, fill the gap by reading a book, asking for some advice or going on a course about it.  Skill up.  Your growth is the key to your business’ success as well as your life success.  And you might discover talents you did not know were there.  I can learn how to build a website.  But frankly that is not my forte and I’m better off giving that task to someone else.  Alternatively, learning to cook has been a wonderful new avenue into creative cuisine and maintaining a healthier and more balanced diet.

I sucked at Tango, so I’ve put that to bed, and as a result, I have a greater appreciation for Tango dancers and dancing in general.  Being organised is a skill I have taken out of the closet.  Since I abandoned my career in science, I thought I could leave organisation and being systematic could go out the window.  It turns out it’s a skill that can be applied to all kinds of life situations (surprise, surprise!!).  So now I find myself being a little anal about accounts and e-mail boxes, bookshelves and kitchen cupboards.

And having those difficult conversations, once so hard to do, are easier, now that I have learned better how to communicate, listen and pay attention to my feelings and empathy for others’.

Over to You

So, in summary, I think there is a better way to manage ourselves when we are faced with those challenging situations that we want to put off, sweep under the carpet and feel too overwhelmed to face.  These three broad perspectives seem almost too easy and simple to be the answers to such challenges.  For a great many years, I believed there had to be something more complicated than this to overcome these life-limiting challenges.

And yet, stopping those negative thoughts and making a habit of having positive thoughts can be really hard to do.  Continually educating and improving yourself can also be tough.  As can passing the task to someone more capable and skilful at that task.  Yet, these are the only ways I have found to take on those jobs I don’t want to do and overcome the fear I have about them.  What do you do?  How do you get out of your own way on your journey to success?

Pass it on

Know people who stick their heads in the sand about important things?  Or people who get in their own way repeatedly?  Why not pass this blog on to them and give them a chance to feel more empowered?

Practice makes perfect

If you are on the path of self-growth and development, you will be familiar with the idea that practice is essential.  You may experience quick-wins, but if you are to have sustained and on-going growth, practice is a given.  Quick-wins are great.  They show you what is possible.  Then you need to put in the graft to make that possibility an on-going and repeatable reality.  You want to have it in your bones so that you have access to it at will.

Why is practice so important

In our busy lives, we often do not feel like we have time to practice.  There are always reasons why you do not have time to do something.  The question is, “Do you want things to stay the same, or change for the better?”  If you want things to be better, you want to set intention and then practice until that intention becomes manifest.

Without practice, the quick-wins do not become permanent change or growth.  Practice allows your body to set down the new wiring of your nervous system.  It also beds in the new pathways so that they are more likely to be used.  At the same time, the old pathways are being dismantled.  If the body is not using them, it has no need for them and so it breaks them down and recycles the parts.  That is why “perfect practice makes perfect”. This is an expression a friend and mentor of mine says and it has become a mantra for me.

Make the time to practice diligently whatever new habits you want to learn and embed.  Take the time to practice the technique right and you are supporting your body in creating new, more empowering habits and letting out-dated habits go.  This can be applied to physical activities such as running faster or further or mountain climbing, learning a skill like playing the piano or listening more deeply and embedding new mind-sets, for example, around money, work processes or health.

Intention

What are your desired outcomes? There is a pain you want to address- what are you willing to do to achieve that?  There is a problem you want to solve- what changes do you want to see? What practical steps are you going to take to get there?

You start from the inside out.  With emotion.  What is driving you?  A lack of confidence? Financial freedom?  Better relationships with your partner, children, friends, colleagues?  Clarity on life purpose?  More fulfilling work?  These are all emotive topics- particularly if you experience pain around them.

And these emotions drive your intention.  They act like a magnet that aligns you physically, mentally and emotionally.  From this place, you are more likely to take action.  But it has to be the right kind of action or you will not achieve your goal.

“What” do you practice?

So, practice with intention. Be specific and focus on your goals and desired outcomes.  Be intentional.  Whether it is a practical skill like martial arts or driving a car you wish to perfect or developing your leadership style or your competency as a solopreneur, intention and practice will be central to your success.

Learn from others what is required.  Have a mentor, teacher or guide.  Hone your skill.  Become an expert.  Practice whatever you require to excel.

The Challenge

You will meet challenges.  Your body resists change.  All biological systems strive for balance.  Growth and changing behaviour throw the system that is you out of balance.  So, the system fights back to maintain the status quo.  If you come at this from a perspective of patience and compassion, you will give yourself the time and opportunity to practice.  In time the new way of doing things will become the status quo.  And while it serves you, there is no reason to change it.  Once it stops serving you, change and growth are required to move things forward and take the next step.

Are you practising to be technically better? There is benefit in honing your practical skills so that you can perform well in any activity. Martial Arts is full of technical considerations. Life coaching requires a particular skill set that can be improved. Any activity requires practice of skills. Learn impeccable technical knowledge and practice endlessly those basic skills that are the foundation of all the advanced techniques. Writing with a pen, driving a car, golf swings, listening skills, dance steps- all have technical skills to practice. This is the “what” of your practice.

“How” do you practice?

“How” you practice is just as important as “what” you practice

It is not all about “what” you do.  There is also the “how” of your practice. By which I mean, what qualities are you using and cultivating when you are doing your practice? Are you developing cold and clinical execution or passion-filled expression driven by the emotion of the moment? Do you drive yourself to complete a certain number of repetitions or achieve something in a specific window of time? Or are you freer in your practice and go by what feels right?

In an earlier blog, I explained the 4 elements. This is a convenient way to describe qualities you might cultivate in your practice. Earth is more technical and precision based. Water more flowing and relational. Fire focuses on directness and driving through. While Air is lighter, creative and spontaneous.

How does the “how” you do something serve you?  You may want to be really efficient at updating your book-keeping but this approach may not work when building a vision for your business or dreaming up a family holiday.  Taking time to build rapport may be incredibly important in building relationships but serve you less when trying to meet a deadline or getting the kids to school.  Embodying the 4 elements can be a way of exploring the “how” of your practice so that you make the most of your time and get the most from each moment.

Perfect practice makes perfect

Only you can decide what is perfect for you.  There is no absolute right way or wrong way.  It is all about getting the results you want.  If life does not feel amazing, then there is room for improvement.  How can you tap into your own potential to create more of the life you want for yourself?  Are you earning the money you want?  Do you feel fulfilled in your work as you would like to?  Are your relationships with family and friends as you would wish?  Are your health, fitness and well-being at the level you want?  Does life feel balanced?  Or are you out of whack?

Over to you

So, look at the areas of your life that work and celebrate.  No, really.  Congratulate yourself on a job well done.  Savour the success- be it being able to pick up the kids from school and having quality play time with them during the week or feeling that your work contributes to society in a meaningful way to you.  You made that happen.  Celebrate that.

And those areas that need work, find out what will work better and practice.  Work out what you need to do and how you do it for greater success, well-being and happiness.  I’d love to hear what you’ve got planned.  And if you would like some support to work out what you want to be different and how to achieve that, please reach out.

Pass it on

If you found this blog useful, please pass it on to anyone you know who might find it interesting as well.  Thank you.

I was recently asked to run a workshop for The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH) on resilience.  A dictionary definition of resilience is “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”.  The concern was that employees have tools and resources that can make them more resilient. 

Satellite Navigation System in the centre of the dashboard of a car.

Do you feel that things should go a certain way?  Does your intention involve detailed steps that lead to frustration if things do not happen as you plan?  Is there an expectation that your life should look a particular way? Does your life live up to your expectations?

The Power of Expectation

Expectation is a powerful thing. It can drive you to great success and it can lead to disappointment, judgment and regret. In my own life and the lives of friends, family and clients I notice how people paint pictures in their minds about how things are going to work out. Rarely if ever, do things work out how you imagine. If they do, you didn’t get there the way you expected. Expectation is a flight of fancy, a fantasy or dream. When life does not measure up to those expectations, you might feel disillusioned about your skills, abilities and talents and doubt whether you have what it takes to succeed in the way you want.

In my experience, the disparity between expectation and reality is a real one- common, realistic and to be expected. The disappointment comes when you have unrealistic expectations that things will develop as you imagine they will. The truth is they almost definitely won’t. Expectation is a rigid plan, based upon your current knowledge of the way things evolve and past experience. However, this situation is new or at least not identical to the past. Therefore things will evolve in new and unexpected ways.

A Need to Control

Isn’t that the way things go? Doesn’t that match your life experience? If so, why are you surprised when things do not develop as you imagine they will? The answer I think is because you want to be in control. That is certainly true for me. I want to know what is going to happen- the when, the how and the why. I focus on the minute details and start to worry (even panic) when things deviate from the plan. Is that true for you too?

It is convenient to imagine you are in control. I think the ego likes to think it knows how things will be. It gives you certainty, confidence and assurance that things will work out. It might give you the confidence to start something and take the first few steps.   Alternatively, it might tell you that you shouldn’t try. That your experience in the past has met with failure, so why bother trying to do it again.

Once you start, very soon, things begin to change. Depending on how hard you grasp onto the projected reality of your expectations, these changes might plunge you into doubt, anxiety and concern. You begin to expend energy trying to control what cannot be controlled. You end up at the final destination exhausted, anxious and in fear. This is not conducive to a mindset that makes the most of where you are and move forward in a positive way.

Rather, you are far from receptive to opportunity and the potential that might unfold from the situation. If you arrive where you are in a mindset of openness and receptivity, not only did you experience the journey in a more peaceful manner, you are also ready to take full advantage of the opportunities unfolding in front of you.

Expectation and Intention

I would invite you to exchange expectation with intention. If you view intention as a light focus on the journey and the outcome rather than a rigid and prescriptive path to the end result, you can more easily let go of the fine detail of how you get there. Instead, you can let things unfold- trusting in the knowledge that things evolve as they will.

What is the mechanism by which this works? If tight control has to give way to light focus, how can you make any plans or strive towards your hopes and dreams? There is something powerful about making plans. It gives energy to your path and direction and empowers you to take action.

There are many factors that contribute to any action. All you can do is take responsibility for your action. In taking action you are setting wheels in motion that send energy out into the world and influence things far beyond anything you can possibility imagine. Therefore you have to let go of control a little. Rather than focus on the minute details, take a broader view and look out for the opportunities that come your way. They may not come from the sources you predict or expect. Some may come from left field that really surprise and support you.

My Personal Journey with Intention

Let me give you an example. In 2015 I took a long hard look at my business and the legacy I want to leave behind. I realised that I had a lot to offer and contribute in the area of health, wellness and confidence. Therefore, I had to look at the way I marketed my business and my client perception as well as the manner of delivering my products. I also had to live my life differently. Rather than living in fear and doubt, I wanted to live with a more positive and trusting mindset. This was, if you like, my Intention. I had expectations about what I wanted it to look like, but not how it was going to happen.

Very quickly, the first step along the way revealed itself. I started a public speaking MeetUp to overcome my fear of talking to groups and began to devise content for courses and workshops that have become the Mindful Movement courses. I also joined and then headed up a Networking group that has brought me tremendous business mentoring and contacts.

My relationship with money needed to be improved and I was offered a free ticket to a money management course that transformed my financial situation and my perception about money. I have been introduced to all kinds of people that continue to support me emotionally and spiritually as I develop personally and professionally. As well as on- going life coaching that has helped me in all areas of my life I have had the good fortune to receive excellent training about marketing and training which has transformed my business visibility and reach.

Holding the Intention Lightly

Each step along the way was revealed to me in an opportunity, a hunch (“gut feeling”, “intuitive leap”, “felt guided to” are all ways of saying this) or a stroke of luck. By keeping my gaze on an open horizon rather than focused at my feet, I noticed the opportunities which took me closer to my goals. Did I miss stuff? Probably, but it seems this is not a one chance lucky dip. Opportunities keep coming. All of this allows me to live free of pressure and anxiety and that makes all the difference in the world. This doesn’t mean I live free of pressure and anxiety.   I realise it is self- imposed and that I need to do what I can and at the same time allow life to do its thing as well.

Co- creation is the Key

If I had tried to plot that course back in 2015, I would not have expected to be here and taken the journey I have. In my imagination it looked a lot different- not nearly as effective nor as much fun. It seems that the Universe has had my back all along. To allow that I have had to surrender control of the parts that are truly beyond my control. You have to be a willing participant in the process and co- create the life you want. It doesn’t happen without your active participation. My experience is that I play a very different role than perhaps I realise.

You do not achieve anything in isolation. Your journey depends on so many factors, such as people, timing, synchronicity and luck as well as intention, persistence and tenacity. There is only so much you can control. The rest you have to let go of and trust that things will either work out or they will not. When you speak to successful people, they all say how lucky they have been. They have been willing to go out there and make it happen and they have been blessed with good fortune. Mechanisms seem to happen in the background and the plan comes to fruition in time.

Satellite Navigation System

Satellite Navigation System in the centre of the dashboard of a car.

There is a Universal Satellite Navigation system. Just like your own Sat Nav in the car, once you put in the address, it plots your route.

Mike Dooley speaks about the Universal Satellite Navigation system. Just like your own Sat Nav in the car, once you put in the address, it plots your route.   Until you arrive at the destination, you have no idea that you are taking the correct route. You trust the computer software to get you there. The same is true for life it seems. Perhaps we give up too soon. Perhaps we take a wrong turn. As long as we keep going we will arrive at our destination. All we have to do is start the engine, decide the end location and put the car in gear. The rest unfolds one step at a time.

Over to you

That has been my experience. What is your experience? How have your plans and dreams unfolded? Have you tried to bully life into making things happen your way? Did you surrender control and trust that things would work out for the best? I’d love to hear your comments, so please do put your comments at the foot of the page or interact with me on social media.

Pass it on

If you liked this blog why not sign up to the Potentiality Coaching monthly newsletter and receive links to the newest blogs, videos and news as well as offers and courses available. If you know someone that would find this post useful, please pass it on and share. I hope the ideas and thoughts here have been of some use.