Do you ever feel like it’s Groundhog Day? Do you feel stuck in an area of your life and think that it’s never going to change? That no matter how hard you try, this situation is never going to be any different? Are there things in your life where you know you haven’t moved forward or notice that you keep bumping up against the same obstacles? Is that frustrating to you? Are you fed up with the repetition and sense of Groundhog Day?
During these long months of working from home, spending so much time online, blending work life with home life and home schooling, the need for boundaries is more important than ever. Not just creating and maintaining boundaries with other people. But also, and perhaps more importantly, honouring the boundaries with yourself that are for your well-being, resilience and resourcefulness.
People are finding these boundaries increasingly challenging. Perhaps you are an HR manager or team leader who is noticing your colleagues working longer hours, feeling more fatigued and showing signs of diminished resilience. Or maybe you are recognising these signs within yourself? The question is, “What can you do about it?”
Make time to show yourself how much you care
I listen to people tell me how they bully themselves into working longer hours, getting up earlier, going to bed later, driving themselves at the desk and the gym regardless of how they might be feeling. As if to listen to your body when it is tired or in need of a break is a weakness. And then it is no wonder you get knocked sideways by a cold or backache that has you in bed for a week. Or a more serious medical condition.
Are you fed up with being “strong”? Are you tired of the pressure you are under to perform without showing signs of losing composure? Or having an emotional outburst?
Do you feel that it is your role to have the answers all the time? If that expectation is hard to meet, is that difficult to admit to?
How are you at having to be right? Is it a matter of great face and honour or are you OK with making mistakes?
Do you feel the need to be “happy” all the time and find it hard to admit that you might be below par or even struggling to cope?
Do you really thrive under stress, or are you struggling to manage, but afraid to share the truth for fear of what people might say- the boss, your partner, friends?
Show your strength by being vulnerable & courageous in front of the right people
This out-dated notion of being “strong” needs a modern update. Too many people are crumbling under the weight of carrying on regardless, pushing through at all costs, meeting ever-increasing expectations and ever-closer deadlines. And all for the sake of being or appearing “strong”. It is a relentless drive, that is driving many of us into poor physical, mental and emotional health and well-being. “Strong” seems to mean something close to perfection.
So, rather than “strong” meaning perfection can we change that definition? I get the need for an external persona that makes it look like you have the answers, you’ve got it sorted and you can cope. And I hope that is the case for you a lot of the time. But is it reality? And when it isn’t reality, do you have people to turn to so that you can talk it through, bounce ideas off, admit mistakes to, ask advice from and share your emotional pain when you are struggling?
This need to be “strong”, I believe, is stopping people feeling comfortable speaking to others about their struggles. “It makes me look weak.” “How will anyone respect me?” “What will people think of me?” “Will I be able to hold on to my job?” In silence, they battle on, often getting ground down by the weight of fear, doubt and worry.
My experience as a coach, and a Samaritans volunteer, is that speaking to someone about these very normal emotions is not only good for your health. It also gets you to an answer much faster. And to a much better answer than you might come up with otherwise. You do not need to carry the burden alone. But who can you talk to?
All great leaders have a team of people around them who they can talk to and lean into for support. (you can find out more about this in this Brian Tracy article). Can we not learn from the cream of our business leaders? We are all leaders. If only leaders of our own lives. And many of us will also lead families, children, work colleagues, groups, teams, businesses and countries. Honest and open leadership starts with these personal qualities in our own day to day living. Having people around you with whom you can confide makes you healthier physically, mentally and emotionally and allows you to be more effective in anything you do.
So, choose your team carefully. Perhaps it is good friends you can talk to? May be its your hairdresser or tennis coach or physio? You could have a formal relationship with a mentor or coach or therapist. Or may be you have people you work with you can confide in? Whoever is in the team, you need to be able to trust them. The more people, the more resources you have for advice, listening, support and guidance. And with that comes more resilience and well-being that means you can bounce back faster when you experience setbacks, disappointment and failure.
It is not rocket science, but it is startling how few people we actually talk to. In our fast-paced society, we race from moment to moment and barely touch the surface of our own lives. Let alone the lives of others. We take less and less time to connect to people and so lack the depth of relationship we once enjoyed. But it is this depth of relationship that allows us to feel safe enough to reveal our pain to others and be vulnerable. As Brene Brown says, it takes courage to be vulnerable. I think this is the real “strong”. And to do that we want to build relationships over time that make it easier to be vulnerable when it serves us and others to be so. All of that takes great courage.
Throughout my divorce process, I had people to whom I could talk about the conflicting emotions I was experiencing. Some of those ears were professional (a counsellor), but others were family, friends, colleagues and even our beloved dog, Tigger. In the pain I felt more resilient. Amongst the confusion, I had people to tell me it was OK and normal to feel this way. And when it got too much, I had people who would simply be with me.
I witness great courage in my coaching clients, who are vulnerable about their emotions and experiences. Great insight, bonding and emotional healing come from this intimacy. It is the human power of connection that helps to keep us whole when we are most in danger of being swallowed up by our pain, fear and loss. It is not “strong” to suffer. To remain in silence and isolation prolongs your suffering.
And others suffer as a consequence. People notice. And want to help. Make no mistake. So be brave. Be “strong”. And reach out to someone who cares enough about you to listen as you express your pain. It is the greatest expression of their love. A worthy gift to match your strength and vulnerability.
What does “strong” mean to you? How are you “strong”? I’d love to know and get this discussion moving towards helping more people manage the stresses and pressures they face in daily life. Our health and well-being demand it. And if we can role-model this transparency to our children and grandchildren, to those we mentor, lead and guide, the bonds of human connection will be deeper and stronger. And we will never need to be “strong” again in isolation and loneliness. We will be vulnerable and courageous, share our wisdom and pain and show our strength in unity and camaraderie.
If you enjoyed this blog, please pass it on to someone you know. Or share the social media posts. Thank you.
How good a boss are you to yourself? As a self-employed solopreneur, how well are you taking care of your well-being? And as an employee, is your well-being at the forefront of your mind as you work? How well do you look after yourself? Does self-care feature high on your priority list?
What does self care mean to you? Does it seem essential or indulgent? Are you at the top of your list for self care or are you at the bottom? Are you always looking out for others and disregarding your needs? Or are you taking care of yourself so that you can look after those you care most about?
You all know the scenario given in the flight safety information announcement before the plane takes off: in case of emergency please apply your own oxygen mask BEFORE helping other people to apply theirs.
It seems like a no brainer and common sense in that situation. If I pass out through lack of oxygen how can I help my child or elderly parent in an emergency? Or anyone else for that matter? In the immediacy and short time frame of an emergency, it seems obvious.
It is an act of self care. According to the Self Care Forum, “Self Care is the actions that individuals take for themselves, on behalf of and with others in order to develop, protect, maintain and improve their health, well-being or wellness.”
Yes, you are doing it so that you can help others, but first and foremost you have to care for yourself. Yet self care need not be an emergency situation. In fact, the vast majority of self care is the daily little things you can do that keep your mind and body relaxed, stress free and in a state of well-being and wellness.
I have known a number of people who have had strokes and heart attacks. They all say the same thing: when it first happened it was such a shock that I was jolted into taking action for self care. They ate more healthily, exercised more, worked less, reduced stress, had more fun and spent time with the people they cared about and doing things they enjoyed. Yet, as time went on and the shock of it passed, the immediacy subsided and the urgency is not so great. Old habits return and they find themselves in a similar situation a couple of years down the line. The only exception to that example I know is my Mum who still eats a very healthy diet, exercises regularly and has a personal trainer 5 years after her stroke. She is 87 years old.
So what sorts of things can you do to take care of yourself? You know most of them: reduce fat and sugar in your diet, exercise for longer and more regularly, cut out smoking, reduce alcohol intake, eat more green leafy vegetables, rest more, sleep more, work less, reduce the things that stress you, increase what gives you joy and have clear boundaries to which you say “yes” and “no” to name a few. What others would you add?
Two items of self care I’d like to explore that are less talked about are honouring your values and living your life purpose. These are essential self care tools I believe because they are at the core of why you would care for yourself.
Some of my values are kindness, trust, transparency, seeing people at their best and giving people space to be themselves. For me there is integrity and peace when I live in line with these values. It can be challenging but I feel less stress and more powerful when I act in alignment with them. I hold myself in that too so I am more self-compassionate and understanding as well as with others. It is a kindness I can offer other people and myself.
So, what are your values? What is most important to you? Get pen and paper and write a list. If you’re struggling, think of a time when you felt really alive, powerful, tingly all over and you didn’t give a hoot about what anyone else thought of you. What was going on? Who were you with? How did you feel? What impact did you have?
Alternatively, consider a time you were upset or pissed off. What angered you about that situation? What was being stepped on that was important to you? These exercises will shed light on what is most important to you- your values. Notice where these values show up in your life? And where they don’t? Where would you like to see them more in your life? How would your life be different if they were more present? Can you see how by living these values more you are doing what’s best for you which means you bring more of yourself to your life? That people would benefit more from your power and passion because you acted from what was most important to you? How stressed and less than your best do you feel when you don’t honour those values? It’s a win- win when you do? Doesn’t everyone lose when you don’t?
Connected to values is life purpose. Now don’t get all worried because life purpose has to be something earth shattering that brings you to the Oprah Winfrey show! Life Purpose is about what lights you up inside. Isn’t that self care? What makes your heart sing? Wouldn’t the people in your life benefit from that as well as you? For some their life purpose is to create a bold and loving space for their family. For others it about creating a legacy to reduce suicide, or homelessness, save the whale or create a more compassionate world. Personally, my life purpose is about personal freedom and empowering people to live fully themselves, physically, mentally and emotionally. What is your life purpose?
Can you see how awareness of your values and life purpose make living a more healthy lifestyle, creating and maintaining boundaries and other acts of self care easier to do on a daily basis? They give a context in which your self care can sit. And they give an empowered perspective to keep choosing self care even in the face of challenging circumstances. Keep choosing you and you will always have the strength, clarity and power to serve others.
Exploring values and life purpose are central to co-active life coaching. They are some of the foundations of your coaching exploration and journey. Clarity on these so that you can live them with integrity and fullness is an act of self care you can keep saying “yes” to again and again. And the benefit to your friends and family and the world at large will be massive.
Some may challenge and create barriers as you step into your values and life purpose and you may have your own challenges and barriers as you live them more fully. That is what the coaching journey is about as you grow into that person more fully. Support and having someone in your corner can help make that transformation more readily. Would you like to take that journey? If so, get in touch and we can have a discussion about what your goals are and how I may be able to support in that journey.
How do you administer self care? What will you do differently now about your self care having read this? Every year in the UK we have Self Care Week. “Whether it is about self-treatable conditions, long term conditions, or lifestyle choices to ensure better physical health and mental well-being, (self care) week raises awareness of the huge benefits of people looking after themselves better.”
Here is a poster for Self Care Week 2019. Lots of additional resources are available at the Self Care Forum website and throughout the Potentiality Coaching blog posts. Here is a video with more information:
If you know someone who needs more self care, please pass on this blog or details about Self Care Forum to them. It may empower them to greater self care and allow them to make a bigger impact in their world which will be gift to everyone.
I was approached by The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health to do a workshop at their London offices. The workshop was designed after detailed discussion with the Head of HR & Organisational Development, Louise Frayne, who was looking for content relating to stress- management, well- being and confidence.
People do not seem to realise they are experiencing stress. They just don’t see it!
Would you know if you were stressed? Do you have a sense of what the signs might be if you were experiencing stress? Do you notice when other people are stressed? Are there occasions when people say you are stressed and you have no idea what they are talking about?
Having recently run a workshop on stress and talked to many people over the years about stress one thing comes through loud and clear:
Stress is rife in our lives and many of us are totally unaware that we are living with it.
People do not seem to realise they are experiencing stress. They just don’t see it! But that does not mean they are not affected by it. Nor does it mean family, friends and colleagues are not impacted by it as a result. Having been one of those people myself, it is hard to stand around the side lines and watch people struggle with its affects. As a result, they go about their daily lives oblivious to the signs and symptoms of stress thinking that all is well.
I’m sure you know many of the statistics about stress. But just in case you don’t, long term stress can negatively impact your:
So being unaware that you are experiencing stress can come at quite a cost. I will discuss the signs you want to be looking for, that tell you stress is present in your life and perhaps having an adverse effect on your health in Part 2 of this series. Before I do that, I just want to explore why people don’t notice the stress in their lives:
Do any of these five points sound like you? If so, you might be experiencing stress and not realise it. Left untreated for many years, it could have adverse effects on your health, well- being, quality of life, length of your life and the degree to which you enjoy your life.
It’s great that you are deep in the cut and thrust of life, building your business, developing your career, nurturing your family, creating your life. To be immersed in life is wonderful. Sometimes you get caught up in the momentum and think “What’s next……?” As soon as the last job is done, you’re rushing off to do the next one. If you don’t take time to check in from time to time with how your body feels, you’ll never know where you are at…….. and you may well miss the signs that stress is building up.
Your body is the answer. It will tell you whether it is experiencing stress. Your head may tell you that there is nothing to be concerned about. It’s too busy being busy. Try this instead. Take time to connect to your body. How? Centring, mindfulness and meditation are great ways to connect in. Also, Mindful Movement workshops are a great fun way to connect in with your body and begin rebuilding a relationship with your body again. As a result, your body will become a friend, a confidante, a trusted partner. You will reap the benefits of living mindfully, managing stress effectively and enjoying life fully for mind, body and soul.
What is your attitude to stress? Is it something other people have but not you? Are you too busy to deal with it or do you make time in your day for managing it effectively? Is stress another “Climate Change” issue or are you taking it seriously? Do you know you have to deal with the stress in your life or are you too busy to change? So, let’s get a conversation going and bring the effects of stress to people’s attention. Then they can take control and begin to live more fully and vibrantly.
If what I have been talking about sounds like someone you know, why not forward this blog to them and ask them to give it a read? It might be the turning point for them to start listening to their body and opening to the possibility that stress is in their lives. It’s so easy to deal with. Awareness is the first step. The next is seeing stress in action in our lives. So we’ll be covering that in Part 2. See you next time.
At The Embodiment Conference, listen to David talk about archetypes and an embodied system for inner leadership and self-empowerment.