When you’re under pressure, what tools do you use to ensure you respond effectively? How do you manage yourself when you are up against it? Life is full of challenging conversations, situations and relationships. As well as regularly facing volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity.
Do you find it hard to relax? Are your muscles tight and painful? Would it be useful to be able to let them release so that you feel at ease and calm? Could that muscle tension and discomfort come from stress and anxiety? Where can you find the support to ease that pressure?
Covid-19 and lockdown are both emotional subjects for a lot of people. I am noticing that there are many emotional responses as individuals, families, businesses and communities come to terms with the impact this pandemic is having on all our lives. This varied emotional response is completely normal, natural and healthy.
What do you think about when you hear or read the expression “mental health”? Do you think about your own experiences of joy, happiness, sadness, jealousy, feeling down, low or depressed, longing, elation, satisfaction, desire, hope and any other emotional state you might experience? Or, do you only think of depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), bipolar, suicidal feelings or self-harm?
Because, mental health is the daily experiences of feelings, sensations and emotions across a spectrum that ranges from mild to intense and positive to negative. For so long, the new discipline of Psychology studied the human condition at its most dysfunctional. It created models of mental health skewed towards a lack of function and normality. Now, Psychologists are researching the functional mind as well, high achieving people, not just those paralysed by trauma and abuse, happiness not only depression, the neuroscience of joy as well as the factors that contribute to low self-esteem.
This has opened our understanding that we all have mental health. Yes, there are those that struggle with severe mental health conditions. That can make it hard to function at a high level in day to day society- schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder for example.
But most of us feel mild experiences of being low, finding it hard to focus, indecision, seeing the negatives in situations rather than the positive, lacking creativity, productivity and resilience as well as battling with our inner critic. These are daily battles that almost all of us face to a greater or lesser extent. We lose sight of what is truly fulfilling and meaningful for us as individuals, and our sense of self and mental health suffer as a result.
Sometimes you don’t sleep enough, exercise sufficiently, eat healthily, drink too much alcohol or take more recreational drugs than is good for you and that all leaves you a little under par. Chronic stress can erode your mental health too, leaving you low in energy, a little jaded and bruised, less responsive and tolerant as you’d like. Even short-term stress, brought on from moving house, separation and divorce, grieving, illness and financial pressures for example, can negatively impact your mental health.
So, mental health is not a condition. There is only the condition of your mental health. It lies on a spectrum and you are moving along that spectrum at every moment of every day. Some mornings you’ll get up and you’re humming a tune to yourself. Someone cuts you up on the commute and suddenly you’re fuming. Or perhaps it doesn’t affect you? Into work and e-mails, meetings, powwows by the water cooler may leave you a little low? Or not? Or perhaps you feel more vibrant, energised and alive as a result?
Does a late lunch leave you a bit grouchy, or missing your workout leave you less energised and alert for the afternoon stint? What about the rush for school pick up and dropping off for after-school clubs, lessons and play dates? An argument at home or a particularly delightful evening with your spouse and kids may lead to a totally different mental state by the end of the day. Your mental health is zig zagging all over the place throughout the day. That is part of the human condition.
Mental health is too fluid to be static, consistent and pigeon-holed by a few diagnoses. Through these highs and lows throughout any day, you are met with opportunities to manage your mental health so that you can remain creative, productive and resilient.
A handful of tools and resources can help you manage your mental health. Even if you are on medication for a diagnosed condition, these tools can help. And if you are not diagnosed and recognise the ebb and flow of your mental health as you go through your day, these tools can help you manage your mental health as well:
How do you manage your mental health? Are you aware of your feelings, sensations and emotions throughout the day and manage them well? Who do you talk to when things are challenging for you? From the list of nine, how many of them are you using to manage your mental health and well-being? Of those you are not using, which would you choose to implement? What are your thoughts about mental health now that you have read this blog?
If you found this article useful, please pass it on. Would your place of work benefit from some training around managing mental health through coaching? Why not give me a call.
My idea of active relaxation comes from the fitness industry’s concept of active rest. When you are trying to achieve your fitness goals, your body needs recovery time. Intense exercise tears muscle fibres which require time to heal so that muscles continue to work optimally, healthily and injury free. Without that rest, increased fitness and strength cannot occur. Active rest is best because it keeps the body moving without the intensity of heavy weights, endurance or prolonged impact. The body likes to move, so some light exercise as active rest is far better than no exercise at all. Walking the dog, a gentle cycle ride or swim, relaxing yoga or stretching session would all be examples of active rest. Active rest will aid recovery and make you stronger, faster and fitter as part of your fitness goals.
Active relaxation works in the same way. You have goals and deadlines: prospecting calls, book-keeping, meetings, proposals, blog posts, social media, networking, your own well-being and that of your clients etc. as a solopreneur. And as a parent you have goals: kids to get ready for school, after school clubs, help with homework, sleepless nights, early mornings, your own well-being and that of your family etc. These things may give you great pleasure and they can also feel frustrating and stressful as well as drain you of vitality, enthusiasm and calm.
When you choose active relaxation, you are choosing activities that bring your body into the relaxation response so that your body can rest, digest and restore itself. Active relaxation benefits the body, mind and emotions at the same time. In the relaxation response, your body can heal and repair itself, your muscles can relax and release tension, your mind can become calm and creative and emotionally you are more receptive to play, humour, building relationships and a solution-focused, positive outlook on life. Can you see that achieving those goals and deadlines is much easier to do if your body is in the relaxation (rest, digest and restore) response and consistently achieving a state of relaxation?
Your body spends a lot of time every day in the stress response. From getting the kids to school on time to the work commute, or meeting deadlines for work and managing conflict over the TV remote control at home. It can all send adrenaline into your system for the majority of the day. And for the most part, that is great. It makes you productive, creative and effective in your personal and professional lives. It is designed to make you active, to step out into the world, be seen, take action and take ownership of your life.
But too much of that makes you cranky. Unrelenting stress without a break, drains your system and resilience. Have you noticed that when you are stressed you are less kind to yourself and others? That negative self-talk and lack of patience with others doesn’t feel good, does it? Its also difficult to find creative solutions to situations when you are stressed too much. And you are simply not operating at your best. When you notice these things happening, it is time for active relaxation.
So, what is active relaxation? In short, it is anything that brings you out of the stress response and into the relaxation response. In other words, rather than activities that promote prolonged release of adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) you actively and consciously choose activities that shut down the release of these stress hormones. Consequently, you feel calmer, more energised, ready to take on whatever the next challenge is with more resilience, centred, balanced, grounded and in more control. These might include:
• Going for a walk (with or without the dog)
• Reading a book for pleasure
• Cooking with care and eating wholesome food
• Watching one episode of your favourite programme or a great movie
• Activities with friends (a meal, weekend break, spa day, walk, pub/ wine bar/ coffee shop)
• Writing- journaling, reflective, creative, poetic, narrative,
• Painting, drawing etc.
• Massage
• Yoga class or similar (Pilates, Awareness through Movement, Rolfing Movement Integration)
• Dance- partner classes, nightclub, conscious dance like Five Rhythms
• Comedy- a live show or something at home
• Centring
• Mindfulness
• Meditation
Only choose the ones that are actively relaxing for you. If the idea of a dance class stresses you out, it may not have the desired affect of calming you and feeling more resourced. However, to try some new things might have some surprising and beneficial effects. Some on this list are more dynamic than others. The active bit of active relaxation is more about being engaged with the activity you are doing, rather than how physically active you are.
It also speaks to your conscious choice and awareness throughout the activity. This is why long hours in front of the TV does not appear on the list- after a night on the sofa with the TV or on-line, you can feel more drained and less resourced. So, be careful and honest with the impact these activities have on your vitality, resourcefulness and resilience. Active relaxation, like active rest, is meant to give you more enthusiasm, strength, passion and endurance for your chosen life activities, be it parenting, running your own company, being CEO of a large organisation, writing books, running marathons or walking the dog.
You are not a machine. Humans have rhythms and cycles that have us being more, or less, active, depending on the stage in the cycle we are in. Like years have seasons, humans have seasons too. We are perhaps more active and productive in our youth, having more energy, vitality and vigour. Later, that energy can change to be more reflective, calmer and peaceful. You may be very awake and raring to go first thing in the morning but at night want to turn in early. Or you might be the opposite way around? Alternatively, you might be most productive first thing and late at night and prefer a snooze in the middle of the day. What are your natural rhythms?
Every activity has a Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter
You go through rhythms and cycles in which you are preparing for an activity (Spring), which leads into being involved and engaged in it (Summer), and then to wind down as it approaches the end (Autumn). Active relaxation appears in the Winter phase- when the activity is done, you have stopped and you are in the midst of reflection, celebration, commiseration, learning and integration.
Winter is a little used phase. As a society, we are used to moving from activity to activity without the rest time in between. Valuable insights are lost if we miss out Winter. The gathering of experience, vitality and energy as well as assessing what the next direction will be, the intention, desired goals and resolve are all essential if we are to enter the next phase with any chance of success and enjoying the journey in the process.
Active relaxation gives you the recharge to have more energy for whatever you love to do in life. It is easy to keep going because that is what it seems everyone else is doing. But, eventually, you will burnout. You will have less energy for what you love. Perhaps you may stop loving the thing you once loved doing. Not because you are bored of it, or out-grown it, but simply because you are not listening to your body. Your body needs recharging and care. You want to give it time to do that. Otherwise, it gets tired, low in energy, unwell, negative, depressed, uninspired, blah.
Life isn’t meant to feel that way. Sure, there might be brief periods you experience that flatness- because sometimes life is shit and challenging and you have nothing in the tank to push against it. But often, that is avoidable, by consciously choosing active relaxation as part of your day. You cannot carry on regardless. Recharging through active relaxation gives you all the energy you need for an active, vital and passion-filled life.
I was inspired to write this blog because I have many clients who struggle with active relaxation. I have struggled with it for years myself and sometimes get the balance wrong. This drive to do more, be more, faster, harder and longer can ruin your enjoyment and passion for your work and life and can damage the relationships with your loved ones……… and even the relationship with yourself. It’s relatively easy to turn around. Explore that list of active relaxation opportunities and find out the ones that work best for you. That will depend on your natural rhythms and cycles as well as your commitments. Let me know how you get on and if you would like some assistance, get in touch.
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Are you fed up with being “strong”? Are you tired of the pressure you are under to perform without showing signs of losing composure? Or having an emotional outburst?
Do you feel that it is your role to have the answers all the time? If that expectation is hard to meet, is that difficult to admit to?
How are you at having to be right? Is it a matter of great face and honour or are you OK with making mistakes?
Do you feel the need to be “happy” all the time and find it hard to admit that you might be below par or even struggling to cope?
Do you really thrive under stress, or are you struggling to manage, but afraid to share the truth for fear of what people might say- the boss, your partner, friends?
Show your strength by being vulnerable & courageous in front of the right people
This out-dated notion of being “strong” needs a modern update. Too many people are crumbling under the weight of carrying on regardless, pushing through at all costs, meeting ever-increasing expectations and ever-closer deadlines. And all for the sake of being or appearing “strong”. It is a relentless drive, that is driving many of us into poor physical, mental and emotional health and well-being. “Strong” seems to mean something close to perfection.
So, rather than “strong” meaning perfection can we change that definition? I get the need for an external persona that makes it look like you have the answers, you’ve got it sorted and you can cope. And I hope that is the case for you a lot of the time. But is it reality? And when it isn’t reality, do you have people to turn to so that you can talk it through, bounce ideas off, admit mistakes to, ask advice from and share your emotional pain when you are struggling?
This need to be “strong”, I believe, is stopping people feeling comfortable speaking to others about their struggles. “It makes me look weak.” “How will anyone respect me?” “What will people think of me?” “Will I be able to hold on to my job?” In silence, they battle on, often getting ground down by the weight of fear, doubt and worry.
My experience as a coach, and a Samaritans volunteer, is that speaking to someone about these very normal emotions is not only good for your health. It also gets you to an answer much faster. And to a much better answer than you might come up with otherwise. You do not need to carry the burden alone. But who can you talk to?
All great leaders have a team of people around them who they can talk to and lean into for support. (you can find out more about this in this Brian Tracy article). Can we not learn from the cream of our business leaders? We are all leaders. If only leaders of our own lives. And many of us will also lead families, children, work colleagues, groups, teams, businesses and countries. Honest and open leadership starts with these personal qualities in our own day to day living. Having people around you with whom you can confide makes you healthier physically, mentally and emotionally and allows you to be more effective in anything you do.
So, choose your team carefully. Perhaps it is good friends you can talk to? May be its your hairdresser or tennis coach or physio? You could have a formal relationship with a mentor or coach or therapist. Or may be you have people you work with you can confide in? Whoever is in the team, you need to be able to trust them. The more people, the more resources you have for advice, listening, support and guidance. And with that comes more resilience and well-being that means you can bounce back faster when you experience setbacks, disappointment and failure.
It is not rocket science, but it is startling how few people we actually talk to. In our fast-paced society, we race from moment to moment and barely touch the surface of our own lives. Let alone the lives of others. We take less and less time to connect to people and so lack the depth of relationship we once enjoyed. But it is this depth of relationship that allows us to feel safe enough to reveal our pain to others and be vulnerable. As Brene Brown says, it takes courage to be vulnerable. I think this is the real “strong”. And to do that we want to build relationships over time that make it easier to be vulnerable when it serves us and others to be so. All of that takes great courage.
Throughout my divorce process, I had people to whom I could talk about the conflicting emotions I was experiencing. Some of those ears were professional (a counsellor), but others were family, friends, colleagues and even our beloved dog, Tigger. In the pain I felt more resilient. Amongst the confusion, I had people to tell me it was OK and normal to feel this way. And when it got too much, I had people who would simply be with me.
I witness great courage in my coaching clients, who are vulnerable about their emotions and experiences. Great insight, bonding and emotional healing come from this intimacy. It is the human power of connection that helps to keep us whole when we are most in danger of being swallowed up by our pain, fear and loss. It is not “strong” to suffer. To remain in silence and isolation prolongs your suffering.
And others suffer as a consequence. People notice. And want to help. Make no mistake. So be brave. Be “strong”. And reach out to someone who cares enough about you to listen as you express your pain. It is the greatest expression of their love. A worthy gift to match your strength and vulnerability.
What does “strong” mean to you? How are you “strong”? I’d love to know and get this discussion moving towards helping more people manage the stresses and pressures they face in daily life. Our health and well-being demand it. And if we can role-model this transparency to our children and grandchildren, to those we mentor, lead and guide, the bonds of human connection will be deeper and stronger. And we will never need to be “strong” again in isolation and loneliness. We will be vulnerable and courageous, share our wisdom and pain and show our strength in unity and camaraderie.
If you enjoyed this blog, please pass it on to someone you know. Or share the social media posts. Thank you.
I was approached by The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health to do a workshop at their London offices. The workshop was designed after detailed discussion with the Head of HR & Organisational Development, Louise Frayne, who was looking for content relating to stress- management, well- being and confidence.
At The Embodiment Conference, listen to David talk about archetypes and an embodied system for inner leadership and self-empowerment.