Conflict is inherent in your everyday experience. You meet conflict at the school gate, in traffic, at work, in your home, with friends, family and strangers.
All situations of conflict, be they external or internal, affect the body. For most, conflict is threatening. And that threat activates an ancient response within known as The Stress Response or more colloquially fight, flight.
Do you find it hard to relax? Are your muscles tight and painful? Would it be useful to be able to let them release so that you feel at ease and calm? Could that muscle tension and discomfort come from stress and anxiety? Where can you find the support to ease that pressure?
How are you doing as lockdown progresses?
Are you resisting the slowing down, or the speeding up, of your life? Do you let the sense of limbo frustrate you or are you letting it go? Are you being drawn further into your screens and out of your body, or is it the other way around? Do you enjoy the stillness? Or is it driving you crazy?
I am noticing a shift in myself, and other people, as this enforced lockdown, globally, is encouraging us to say “no” to the rat race and the relentless pressures of growth, expansion and competition. It is also giving us the opportunity to say “yes” to being more present and mindful with ourselves, others and the world around us. It opens us to being content with what we have as well as connecting to and sustaining community. What gifts these things are.
At the beginning, I also noticed an initial resistance. Maybe you felt it too? Or perhaps you are still resisting the inevitability and uncertainty of this Coronavirus situation. It manifests as a “I can’t believe this is happening” or “What will I do?” or “What can I do?” “How will I cope?” The tension that comes from worrying about money, business, family and friends is another sign of the resistance around having to give up control. And frustration that so much is on-hold: house moves, career progress, business growth, birthdays, family and business events, weddings, schooling, funerals. “When will things return to normal?” and “How long will I have to wait?” speak to that anxiety as well.
As a society, we are in pain over the loss of our old lives and the way we used to live. Our resistance, though understandable, only leads to suffering as we grasp for more of what is not available to us right now. Some of our old ways may never return and we will have to make our peace with that. But, in the short-term, resistance prevents our ability to adapt, be flexible and creative. The tension resistance creates stops our minds from finding solutions to the problems and prevents our bodies from living in peace and harmony with the landscape of ever-changing challenges.
But, if you can let go of the resistance and allow it to give way to acceptance, you can let go of this struggle that is beyond your power to control. The questions then shift to “How can I make the best of this situation?” “What are the advantages and possibilities?” “What can I create from this?” “Where are the opportunities and how can I make them happen?” People are adapting to a new normal. They are appreciating that they could use their time differently. That this way of life might have unforeseen advantages that could be sustainable in a post-Coronavirus world.
The impact of resistance on the mind and body is one of stress, anxiety, tension and dis-ease. In contrast, acceptance leaves the body and mind at peace, ease and tranquil. It’s just more pleasant to live through the Coronavirus experience this way, if you can. Let go of what you cannot control, accept the reality of your situation, pay attention to your breath and notice your body. Then, from this grounded place, take action. Here is a video on these four points:
Here are 4 things I have noticed in myself and my community (both on- and off-line) that have come about as people have let go of their resistance and opened to acceptance.
Your life was going in a particular direction and focused in a specific way before Coronavirus appeared. And now, much of that is on-hold. Others are completely blown out of the water. Some things are accelerating. This is an opportunity to pivot or change direction completely:
People are being so kind. Reaching out to acquaintances and strangers to help and support. We are reaching out to friends we barely speak with normally and building new relationships as people come together for a common cause.
We are, for the first time in human history, united under a common threat. Imagine that? Many of the differences that usually divide us are being put to one side so that we may come together and collaborate and help each other. Giving us the opportunity to come together and connect regardless of faith, gender, colour, nationality, sexual orientation or political persuasion. Humanity is coming together as one and that is priceless. What if we could keep that going once this threat is over?
This is also an ideal time to connect to people in your personal and professional networks and cement those relationships. And, by opening new ventures, create new relationships that might breathe new life into your business or life in general.
Hasn’t life become much simpler suddenly?
We are being given the chance to enjoy the simple pleasures of life: walking, cycling, running, the natural world, cooking, gardening and conversation to name a few. Life was so complex before Coronavirus that many people didn’t pay attention to these things. You may have done them. But you may not have been as attentive as you might have been while doing them. Rushing to move on to the next thing? Or thinking about the future or the past rather than paying attention to the present? These are common ways of doing things in our modern world.
Coronavirus has slowed things down. There is less of a rush. Less of a drive to push that extra mile or two all the time. Without that pressure, we are better able to enjoy each task as we are doing it. Now, in the simplicity of life, there is a mindfulness that perhaps was not there before.
Taking time to notice the simple pleasures makes tasks that feel mundane when we are rushing, more pleasurable, purposeful and powerful when life is slower and simplified.
The opportunities, the connection to community and the simple pleasures allow us to be more present. The slowing down allows us to take notice. There is so much you could worry about for tomorrow, but you cannot answer or control those things. So, let them go. The slowing down means there is less to preoccupy your mind. If you let it. You could always let yourself worry more and more about the unknowns and the things out of your control. But, when you let go and only focus on what is in your sphere of influence, you realise that, for now, there are only certain things you can do.
I have heard many people say that they are on their hamster wheel of worry and concern. When I probe deeper, they say that they are thinking about things over which they have no control. Nor can they answer the questions they are posing. Lockdown is imposing a long horizon. Much of our worlds are on-hold, an enforced stillness that we can either fight and know turmoil and distress. Or let go into so that we might know greater tranquillity and peace.
So, allow yourself to be present in all that you are doing during the Coronavirus lockdown. Allow these special moments to keep you present with what is in front of you. Bask in the immediacy of what you are doing. Know that there is no rat-race today. There is nothing to chase. Enjoy the reprieve that Coronavirus has given you, if you can.
Will you accept or resist?
This enforced lockdown has encouraged these behaviours. Whether you are doing these things or not is a choice. Perhaps the events are making that choice easier? But never forget that it is a choice.
My invitation is to ask you to decide which of these choices will you chose to keep after Coronavirus. When lockdown is done and the threat to our health is significantly reduced, what of this will you decide to maintain? Here’s an earlier blog on what you might want to be thinking about when you are making choices.
When the world changes back, if it changes back, what will you commit to keeping the same? The community? The presence? Your simple pleasures? The opportunities? Something else entirely? If enough of us commit to keeping some of these things, perhaps the world will not go back to how it was. Perhaps our working lives will change so that we commute less or connect more online at work. Maybe we’ll socialise with our friends, family and communities more? Perhaps we’ll travel less and care for the environment more? Maybe we’ll reassess what productivity means and what a healthy economy and financial system looks like.
I don’t know. But something is changing for the better in amongst all the pain, fear and anxiety. What will you change and take into your new future?
My idea of active relaxation comes from the fitness industry’s concept of active rest. When you are trying to achieve your fitness goals, your body needs recovery time. Intense exercise tears muscle fibres which require time to heal so that muscles continue to work optimally, healthily and injury free. Without that rest, increased fitness and strength cannot occur. Active rest is best because it keeps the body moving without the intensity of heavy weights, endurance or prolonged impact. The body likes to move, so some light exercise as active rest is far better than no exercise at all. Walking the dog, a gentle cycle ride or swim, relaxing yoga or stretching session would all be examples of active rest. Active rest will aid recovery and make you stronger, faster and fitter as part of your fitness goals.
Active relaxation works in the same way. You have goals and deadlines: prospecting calls, book-keeping, meetings, proposals, blog posts, social media, networking, your own well-being and that of your clients etc. as a solopreneur. And as a parent you have goals: kids to get ready for school, after school clubs, help with homework, sleepless nights, early mornings, your own well-being and that of your family etc. These things may give you great pleasure and they can also feel frustrating and stressful as well as drain you of vitality, enthusiasm and calm.
When you choose active relaxation, you are choosing activities that bring your body into the relaxation response so that your body can rest, digest and restore itself. Active relaxation benefits the body, mind and emotions at the same time. In the relaxation response, your body can heal and repair itself, your muscles can relax and release tension, your mind can become calm and creative and emotionally you are more receptive to play, humour, building relationships and a solution-focused, positive outlook on life. Can you see that achieving those goals and deadlines is much easier to do if your body is in the relaxation (rest, digest and restore) response and consistently achieving a state of relaxation?
Your body spends a lot of time every day in the stress response. From getting the kids to school on time to the work commute, or meeting deadlines for work and managing conflict over the TV remote control at home. It can all send adrenaline into your system for the majority of the day. And for the most part, that is great. It makes you productive, creative and effective in your personal and professional lives. It is designed to make you active, to step out into the world, be seen, take action and take ownership of your life.
But too much of that makes you cranky. Unrelenting stress without a break, drains your system and resilience. Have you noticed that when you are stressed you are less kind to yourself and others? That negative self-talk and lack of patience with others doesn’t feel good, does it? Its also difficult to find creative solutions to situations when you are stressed too much. And you are simply not operating at your best. When you notice these things happening, it is time for active relaxation.
So, what is active relaxation? In short, it is anything that brings you out of the stress response and into the relaxation response. In other words, rather than activities that promote prolonged release of adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) you actively and consciously choose activities that shut down the release of these stress hormones. Consequently, you feel calmer, more energised, ready to take on whatever the next challenge is with more resilience, centred, balanced, grounded and in more control. These might include:
• Going for a walk (with or without the dog)
• Reading a book for pleasure
• Cooking with care and eating wholesome food
• Watching one episode of your favourite programme or a great movie
• Activities with friends (a meal, weekend break, spa day, walk, pub/ wine bar/ coffee shop)
• Writing- journaling, reflective, creative, poetic, narrative,
• Painting, drawing etc.
• Massage
• Yoga class or similar (Pilates, Awareness through Movement, Rolfing Movement Integration)
• Dance- partner classes, nightclub, conscious dance like Five Rhythms
• Comedy- a live show or something at home
• Centring
• Mindfulness
• Meditation
Only choose the ones that are actively relaxing for you. If the idea of a dance class stresses you out, it may not have the desired affect of calming you and feeling more resourced. However, to try some new things might have some surprising and beneficial effects. Some on this list are more dynamic than others. The active bit of active relaxation is more about being engaged with the activity you are doing, rather than how physically active you are.
It also speaks to your conscious choice and awareness throughout the activity. This is why long hours in front of the TV does not appear on the list- after a night on the sofa with the TV or on-line, you can feel more drained and less resourced. So, be careful and honest with the impact these activities have on your vitality, resourcefulness and resilience. Active relaxation, like active rest, is meant to give you more enthusiasm, strength, passion and endurance for your chosen life activities, be it parenting, running your own company, being CEO of a large organisation, writing books, running marathons or walking the dog.
You are not a machine. Humans have rhythms and cycles that have us being more, or less, active, depending on the stage in the cycle we are in. Like years have seasons, humans have seasons too. We are perhaps more active and productive in our youth, having more energy, vitality and vigour. Later, that energy can change to be more reflective, calmer and peaceful. You may be very awake and raring to go first thing in the morning but at night want to turn in early. Or you might be the opposite way around? Alternatively, you might be most productive first thing and late at night and prefer a snooze in the middle of the day. What are your natural rhythms?
Every activity has a Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter
You go through rhythms and cycles in which you are preparing for an activity (Spring), which leads into being involved and engaged in it (Summer), and then to wind down as it approaches the end (Autumn). Active relaxation appears in the Winter phase- when the activity is done, you have stopped and you are in the midst of reflection, celebration, commiseration, learning and integration.
Winter is a little used phase. As a society, we are used to moving from activity to activity without the rest time in between. Valuable insights are lost if we miss out Winter. The gathering of experience, vitality and energy as well as assessing what the next direction will be, the intention, desired goals and resolve are all essential if we are to enter the next phase with any chance of success and enjoying the journey in the process.
Active relaxation gives you the recharge to have more energy for whatever you love to do in life. It is easy to keep going because that is what it seems everyone else is doing. But, eventually, you will burnout. You will have less energy for what you love. Perhaps you may stop loving the thing you once loved doing. Not because you are bored of it, or out-grown it, but simply because you are not listening to your body. Your body needs recharging and care. You want to give it time to do that. Otherwise, it gets tired, low in energy, unwell, negative, depressed, uninspired, blah.
Life isn’t meant to feel that way. Sure, there might be brief periods you experience that flatness- because sometimes life is shit and challenging and you have nothing in the tank to push against it. But often, that is avoidable, by consciously choosing active relaxation as part of your day. You cannot carry on regardless. Recharging through active relaxation gives you all the energy you need for an active, vital and passion-filled life.
I was inspired to write this blog because I have many clients who struggle with active relaxation. I have struggled with it for years myself and sometimes get the balance wrong. This drive to do more, be more, faster, harder and longer can ruin your enjoyment and passion for your work and life and can damage the relationships with your loved ones……… and even the relationship with yourself. It’s relatively easy to turn around. Explore that list of active relaxation opportunities and find out the ones that work best for you. That will depend on your natural rhythms and cycles as well as your commitments. Let me know how you get on and if you would like some assistance, get in touch.
If you found the content of this blog useful, why not pass it on to a friend or colleague who might benefit from it too?
I was approached by The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health to do a workshop at their London offices. The workshop was designed after detailed discussion with the Head of HR & Organisational Development, Louise Frayne, who was looking for content relating to stress- management, well- being and confidence.
Here are some of the signs to look out for that tell you that you might be experiencing stress
As I said in Part 1 of this blog series, stress is a natural part of life. We all experience it. If you think that you do not, perhaps you have a different word for it? May be instead of stress you would say you are anxious, worried, excited, challenged, driven, focused, frustrated, upset, in anticipation, overwhelmed, exhausted, tired or withdrawn. Whatever the word, my meaning of stress is that there is something in this lifestyle of yours that generates the Stress Response in you.
The Stress Response is a term for a group of physiological symptoms generated when you are feeling threatened in some way. You are getting ready to fight or run away. So, you might experience quickened heart rate, dilated blood vessels and shallow breathing accompany increased levels of adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones). For short periods this is beneficial for your health and well- being. Long term however, and the negative impact on your immune system, mental health, quality of sleep, productivity, overall resilience, creativity, relationships and vitality are immense. Here are some of the signs to look out for that tell you that you might be experiencing stress (or whatever word you might use):
Please note, this is not an exact science. There might be many reasons why you are experiencing these symptoms. If you suspect stress at all, consult your doctor and a healthy dose of common sense and discover the ways YOU can undo the effects of stress. Rather than pop a pill which might be the easiest way to deal with it, I invite you to explore more natural ways to manage your stress. I am not a trained medical professional, so please do not take my word as gospel. However, there is something empowering about listening to your body and intuition and finding the right answer for you. Managing the stress is the key. I discuss some of the strategies I have discovered on my travels with stress in Part 3.
Do you notice that you often do not sleep well? Perhaps you sleep very soundly. Or maybe you are affected by someone who has disturbed sleep? Are there parts of your body that get very tight? Is that due to lack of movement, emotional stress, worry, anxiety or body misalignment? Or is your body limber, relaxed and agile? Would you say you were an emotional eater? Do you find it hard to focus? Or do you have laser- type focus and excellent concentration? Are you more irritable than you used to be? Perhaps you are more calm and unflappable than ever before?
Do you feel lost in your life and feel life is getting smaller? Or is your life expanding and you are discovering new horizons? I’d love to hear your experiences and grow this body of wisdom in the Potentiality Coaching community. Please share in the comment box below or on social media. Thank you.
If what I have been talking about sounds like someone you know, why no forward this blog to them and ask them to give it a read. It might be the turning point for them to start listening to their body and recognise the signs that stress is present. It’s so easy to deal with. Awareness is the first step. The next is action. See you next time for Part 3.
People do not seem to realise they are experiencing stress. They just don’t see it!
Would you know if you were stressed? Do you have a sense of what the signs might be if you were experiencing stress? Do you notice when other people are stressed? Are there occasions when people say you are stressed and you have no idea what they are talking about?
Having recently run a workshop on stress and talked to many people over the years about stress one thing comes through loud and clear:
Stress is rife in our lives and many of us are totally unaware that we are living with it.
People do not seem to realise they are experiencing stress. They just don’t see it! But that does not mean they are not affected by it. Nor does it mean family, friends and colleagues are not impacted by it as a result. Having been one of those people myself, it is hard to stand around the side lines and watch people struggle with its affects. As a result, they go about their daily lives oblivious to the signs and symptoms of stress thinking that all is well.
I’m sure you know many of the statistics about stress. But just in case you don’t, long term stress can negatively impact your:
So being unaware that you are experiencing stress can come at quite a cost. I will discuss the signs you want to be looking for, that tell you stress is present in your life and perhaps having an adverse effect on your health in Part 2 of this series. Before I do that, I just want to explore why people don’t notice the stress in their lives:
Do any of these five points sound like you? If so, you might be experiencing stress and not realise it. Left untreated for many years, it could have adverse effects on your health, well- being, quality of life, length of your life and the degree to which you enjoy your life.
It’s great that you are deep in the cut and thrust of life, building your business, developing your career, nurturing your family, creating your life. To be immersed in life is wonderful. Sometimes you get caught up in the momentum and think “What’s next……?” As soon as the last job is done, you’re rushing off to do the next one. If you don’t take time to check in from time to time with how your body feels, you’ll never know where you are at…….. and you may well miss the signs that stress is building up.
Your body is the answer. It will tell you whether it is experiencing stress. Your head may tell you that there is nothing to be concerned about. It’s too busy being busy. Try this instead. Take time to connect to your body. How? Centring, mindfulness and meditation are great ways to connect in. Also, Mindful Movement workshops are a great fun way to connect in with your body and begin rebuilding a relationship with your body again. As a result, your body will become a friend, a confidante, a trusted partner. You will reap the benefits of living mindfully, managing stress effectively and enjoying life fully for mind, body and soul.
What is your attitude to stress? Is it something other people have but not you? Are you too busy to deal with it or do you make time in your day for managing it effectively? Is stress another “Climate Change” issue or are you taking it seriously? Do you know you have to deal with the stress in your life or are you too busy to change? So, let’s get a conversation going and bring the effects of stress to people’s attention. Then they can take control and begin to live more fully and vibrantly.
If what I have been talking about sounds like someone you know, why not forward this blog to them and ask them to give it a read? It might be the turning point for them to start listening to their body and opening to the possibility that stress is in their lives. It’s so easy to deal with. Awareness is the first step. The next is seeing stress in action in our lives. So we’ll be covering that in Part 2. See you next time.
What do you say to members of The Royal College of Surgeons about stress?
Yikes! These people are masters of stress aren’t they?
They experience stress on a daily basis that would make most of us buckle at the knees.
These were the thoughts going through my head when I was invited to give a talk about managing stress at The Royal College of Surgeons.
I am someone who is happiest in jeans, T- shirt and the tranquility of nature. Yet here I was in the centre of London trussed up in a three- piece suit – the full Gareth Southgate waistcoat and all! And it was on one of the hottest days of the year.
Plus, they were videoing and live streaming the entire thing. What was going on with my own stress levels you might ask!?
They shared the typical sources of stress that people experience almost daily: arguments, unreasonable demands, time pressure, health issues, challenging e- mails and phone calls, lack of sleep and insufficient rest.
They also recognised the ways in which they responded to that stress in mind, body and behaviour: distracted and poorly focused, trouble sleeping, tension in stomach, shoulders and neck, migraines, irritability, tiredness, self- focused (a sense of “me me me” and an awareness of how things are for me rather than anyone else) and difficulty breathing.
Together they concluded what we all know already- that stress did not bring out their best selves. And these are people who need to be at their best to help the people they’ve been trained to serve!
It’s all too easy to conclude that all stress is bad for you but that’s just not the case. When faced with danger, it’s the stress response that can give us a burst of speed and strength. It can save our lives.
Fortunately, most of us do not experience that kind of danger at all. Therefore, stress when we are in a rush, irritated by an e- mail, anxious about a difficult conversation or over worked actually makes us perform less well. Experienced long- term, it is highly detrimental to our health and wellbeing.
For most situations, keeping the mind and body in a relaxed state will get better outcomes.
Over time and with practice, its possible to respond to situations we previously felt were stressful. With calm and peace. The key is to be aware of what we’re feeling in any given moment. And learn some simple techniques to change those feelings.
I subjected them to an instant stress test (by throwing a tissue at them!). Then I asked them to notice the changes in their bodies and how they responded.
Then we did a centreing relaxation exercise. By bringing awareness to their bodies, balance to their posture and relaxation to their muscles along the centre of their bodies. They noted the difference in the way they felt.
Finally, we repeated the first step so that everyone could highlight the changes they’d experienced. They could deliberately start the relaxation process rather than stay in a stressed state.
The results were startling. Across the board, their responses through stress were diminished or even non- existent. This centreing exercise, devised by Paul Linden, is one of the corner stones of the Mindful Movement courses I run, facilitating people’s growth and empowering them to exercise choice.
Once we are aware of our responses, stress becomes a choice. We don’t need to be a slave to it, as long as we have the awareness to recognise our state of being and the tools to alter our state so that we can choose a different way.
Fortunately, with almost 30 years of practice, I was able to not only get through what could have been a highly stressful experience, but to enjoy it!
The icing on the cake for me was getting fabulous feedback from the people in the room, and most especially, this letter from the CEO …
If you’d like to know more about Mindful Movement and stress control, just give me a call ….
Do you find that you always have new stuff you need to get done and more responsibility to take on? Have you noticed you work longer hours and that the commute is longer than it used to be? Have you got to the stage that you have nothing else to give, you have no energy and that you are stretched as far as you can go? Do you feel that something has to change? Are you feeling stuck and unable to work out what to change? And if you do know what to change, are you struggling to put that change into action?
Having more time seems like a good way to try to fit more stuff in. Yet, even with more time, does that actually feel like a relief or are you piling on more pressure, stress and dis- ease?
How do you get more time? By sleeping less, seeing less of the family and friends, eating convenience foods, working out less, resting less, taking less holiday time and living on the move? Taking time is always a good strategy. When you do it at the expense of your health, wellness and life- work balance it can be a recipe for stress, burn out and poor quality of life.
We’ll come back to time later. For now I’d like to offer a solution that includes energy. How much energy do you have? Of that energy, what proportion would you say comes from caffeine, sugar and prescribed medication? What amount of your energy comes from deep restful sleep, good nutrition, rest, living on purpose, with mission and passion?
Though artificial stimulants like caffeine and sugar seem like a good short- term solution, they have a severe impact on your health long- term. Our society promotes the use of these things to the point that they are normal and encouraged. In spite of their common acceptance, they drain the body of the energy it does have and then deplete it further. This in time leads to illness and disease. Think how much poorer your mood is when you have not had enough sleep? A day or two is manageable. After three or four nights of poor sleep, it is much harder to keep your mood buoyant. Your ability to cope and make decisions is significantly impaired when your energy is depleted through lack of sleep. Tiredness through over- exercise, excess work, insufficient food and lows after sugar and caffeine highs are all examples of your depleted energy.
The energy of the body works like that of a battery. It requires recharging.
The energy of the body works like that of a battery. If you do not recharge it regularly, the body cannot use the energy to move, think, live, repair, learn, grow and heal. Therefore, good sleep and rest are essential. Balanced nutrition and hydration are important too. Living with a sense of mission and purpose are excellent ways to maintain energy levels.
In the future, when one more thing gets added to your must- do list, instead of thinking about time, I invite you to think about your energy. Will this thing increase or deplete my energy? If it increases my energy, then that’s great. If it depletes your energy, have you got enough energy in the battery stored up to see you through in a healthy and manageable way? Those things that deplete your energy may still need to be done, but at least you can take care of your health and well- being around those things. By thinking about recharging and understanding that you can’t take affective action without energy in your battery, you can change your behaviour and still get so much done while maintaining your quality of life. Let me share some of my personal examples:
There are many more examples I can use, but these ten are a good start. Learning what energises you means you have more to give, and when you do give you can do so more fully. Prioritising what energises you in an act of self- care. Sometimes you have to do things that drain your energy: those boring tasks; meeting people you don’t like; the daily commute; perhaps work drains you because it is not in line with your values. If we can fill our lives as fully as possible with things that recharge our battery, we have the energy reserves to do the things that sap our energy and still have some left in reserve to make the small changes to remove those energy drainers from our lives in time.
You only have a limited 24 hours a day. That time is precious. Time is the ONE thing you can never get back. Being energised allows you to live as many moments of that 24 hours as fully as possible and making each second count as much as you can. I know that balance is hard and I am forever getting the juggling act wrong. If you are at the point when you feel the pain of having too much to do and not enough time and energy to do it, taking the time is one thing and having the energy is another. Look after your energy and the time is easier to create. Take care of the time and your energy is easier to maintain.
How are you about energy management? Do you actively work on maintaining your energy? Are you depleted of energy a lot of the time? What can you do differently to give yourself more energy every day? How can you build your energy reserves up so that you can deal better with the things that sap your energy? What things do you do to increase your energy? How do you avoid the affects of energy depletion? I’d love to hear from you so please post your comments in the box below.
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In your relationships of all kinds, do you notice how you or others disengage from conversations or interactions? There is a disconnection that can take place by which you or they are no longer present to the conversation. Sometimes this will be because you are thinking of the next thing to say once the other person has finished. Other times you might be bored and so you drift off into some fantasy.
Further examples might include feeling uncomfortable with the topic or tone of the conversation, so people might leave the room completely or sit back and stop listening altogether. Obstinate refusal to understand what the other person is staying or see another view can lead to raised voices and frustration in which no one is listening. Over zealous chatter because someone is nervous at a party can create a powerful disconnection in other people. Conversely, having a silent respondent can also feel like you are talking to your self. Whatever the reason for the disconnection, the other person may feel hurt, offended or simply not listened to and this can affect the quality of the relationship.
In my experience, these points of disconnection are done very unconsciously. They are not done to hurt or harm even though they can have this affect. The reason for our disconnection is because we feel pain in some way or other and we want to move away from the pain. We are biologically programmed to steer away from pain such as hot flames and ferocious animals. To our mind and body, pain is pain. We do not make a distinction about its source. We set about avoiding pain of all sources in a most unconscious way.
Not all pain needs to signal that there is something to avoid though. Some pain is telling you that something is happening that you could deal with by steering into it, not away from it. Why do you feel uncomfortable about that topic? What is it about raised voices that make you shrink away? Why do you disengage when you are bored rather than maneuver the conversation towards topics that interest you? What is it about that person that makes you feel uncomfortable?
In Mindful Movement classes we do an exercise that looks at this topic. Based on Aikido principles of light touch and flow within flow, participants are invited to lead and follow each other around the room. Inevitably, tension in the body results, as people begin to feel uncomfortable in the exercise and lose that light touch connection. Tension is a way in which the body and mind manifest pain.
Relaxation allows you to respond to situations with a light touch
I invite people to explore the nature and location in their bodies where that tension lies and ask them to relax into it. The responsibility of leading or the frustration of being led can result in a lot of tension in the body. It brings up something uncomfortable which is a mild form of pain. The body and mind respond by creating tension. This means that the body does not work as well as it might (muscle tension, shallow breathing, poor posture, lack of awareness of the surroundings). The mind is neither focused on the task nor has clarity of purpose, emotions are in a place of fear and lack and the connection between partners is poor at best.
Once participants are reminded to relax, suddenly the whole process changes. The tension that once blocked the pain and kept it frozen in place is removed and suddenly that energy can flow through the mind and body. Suddenly the pain gives way to dynamic flow and a relaxed creative process can begin to take place.
Though there is a leader and follower, both are co- creating the dance of movement much like people create a magical conversation together. The mind is clear and focused and better able to hear the intuitive voice. Emotionally, participants are more responsive to themselves and each other and a confidence in the process develops in which both people feel safe to explore and test ideas.
This exercise is a metaphor for daily interactions in which tension can often lead us to disconnect. Simple awareness of the process can be enough to mindfully interact with people and be more conscious about how we are when we interact. When we feel the tension in the body and notice how the mind and emotions are responding as well, we can take action to relax. This will not change the situation immediately. It will, however, change how you respond to it and so the outcome of your interaction.
From personal experience I can share a couple of public speaking engagements I attended. The first was a networking event and I froze in front of all the people as I stood up to say my piece. I never allowed the tension to leave my body and so I remained short of breath, my mind remained foggy and I was unable to speak. The second was a better experience. I arrived at the venue expecting 10- 15 people to turn up. As people arrived the number grew to 25. With each new person I felt the tension rise. Once I noticed it, I could let the tension go and I was able to speak in front of all those people quite easily. Most importantly, I was relaxed and myself. That meant the audience enjoyed the experience far more than if I had been as tense as I had been before.
By noticing tension, you are able to take steps to release that tension. We can do that through centring, breathing or actively relaxing the body. When you are relaxed, you can choose to steer into the pain or discomfort. This brings your awareness to it and dissolves it away. It invites you to face what is perhaps most urgent and important in this moment. Tension and pain are the ways in which the mind and body communicate the need to deal with urgent and important situations.
Rather than interpret that information as something to avoid, I invite you interpret it as something to steer into. Through the awesome power of your awareness, you can dissolve that tension. The result is deeper, more intimate and powerful relationships with others and yourself as well as better health and well- being. The body and mind are not supposed to remain tense for too long. These are short term signals to get your attention. Not long term inconveniences to get used to that ultimately tighten up and restrict mind and body. A relaxed body and mind thinks clearer, reacts more appropriately, heals better, loves deeper, works longer, focuses more sharply and gives more fully.
Mind and body are meant to be loose and free in movement. Physical and mental versatility, agility, adaptability and flexibility are the hallmarks of relaxation. Tension and rigidity give us no choice but to disconnect. Relaxation allows us to remain connected through the most troubling and difficult situations. It also allows us to remain connected when we receive praise, love and generosity. It is this acceptance of all life’s situations, the ups and the downs, that relaxation allows. If we can learn to steer into them, we can improve the quality of our relationships, with ourselves, others and the world around us. We can explore the potential that exists on the other side of tension and disconnection.
How do you disconnect? What things move you to disconnect? Are you able to remain connected when you are faced with difficult situations? How well do you receive praise and do you fully accept it graciously? As always I’d love to hear from you. Please post your comments in the box at the foot of the page and share your thoughts, experience and understanding.
If you found this blog useful, please pass it on to someone you think will benefit. If you like the sound of topics covered in the Mindful Movement classes you can find out more here. Alternatively, send me an e- mail (david@potentialitycoaching.co.uk) and I can answer your questions and give you additional information. Thank you.
At The Embodiment Conference, listen to David talk about archetypes and an embodied system for inner leadership and self-empowerment.